July 2011
2 posts
My Head Hurts, I'm Depressed And My Anxiety Is...
Just giving you all an update.
Wow
I never post here anymore … I’ve been really kind of bottled up lately, I dunno … A lot of stuff has happened over the last couple weeks and I dont really know how to express how I’m feeling. I havnt been happy but I’m coping and I’m hoping that it will get better soon.
June 2011
4 posts
“I would say that I’m sorry if it would do any good but to never regret...”
– Please Speak Well Of Me - The Weepies
I Feel Like Total Crap
I feel like crying and I feel like sleeping and thats the entire spectrum of “How Dan would like to spend his day”. I dont have any good reason to cry though so Ill just sit here wishing I could feel something and I cant sleep, I’ve been trying to fall back to sleep for hours. I guess Ill go put on tea and watch movies all day.
Feeling So Gross
I hate where I’ve been for the last 2 weeks or so. I’ve been so down every night but I dont know why and I dont know how to deal with it. I dont want to say anything to anyone because theres nothing to be said. I dont want to sit here and mope to myself though I just feel worse and worse throughout the night.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
I just want to be fucking better. For fuck sakes how long do I have to flip[ between pretending to be normal to crying alone to feeling nothing. I just want to be fucking normal.
May 2011
27 posts
Garden State
Such a genius movie. Makes me feel so much better. Gonna go watch it in a second. I just wanted to explain what it means to me.
Andrew has issues and a half. He has been screwed over by his meds for years and doesnt know how to function as a real person because of them but when he goes off of them he finds a home and some safety and overcomes his issues. I want to find that home and that safety....
I Had A Great Day I Shouldnt Feel Like This
I want to be done hating myself. I want to be able to accept whats happened and whats happening and deal with it like a normal human being. I dont want to have panic attacks, I dont want to cry for no reason, I dont want to go days on end feeling nothing. I just want to be fucking normal. I dont want to have to check myself to make sure I’m not getting too emotional or too detached. I just...
Just Took Down Notes For Godspell
I’m going to apply for the rights to the show tomorrow. I’m trying to organize a production of Godspell as a fundraiser for Doctors Without Borders. Its basically Hair but more politically correct the way I have it thought out. Gonna run through my notes with my two best friends this weekend and talk casting. Once I’ve got some confirmation on rights Ill start looking at getting...
“I would say that I’m sorry, if it would do any good. But to never regret, means...”
– Please Speak Well of Me, The Weepies (via dropsslikestars)
Dear Bullshit,
Though I respect your diligence and commitment to the messing up of both my life and the lives of those who I care about the most I would kindly ask you to fuck off for your sake and mine. Aren’t you tired? Its been 15 months straight, almost 16!!! No breaks! Not even when normal people are asleep! You just keep on working, you have a serious problem, I suppose we could even call this an...
I'm Getting Overly Emotional Tonight
I’m either gonna sit up all night watching Funny Girl, crying and blogging about how much I identify with Fanny and how wonderful Barbra is or I’m gonna go to sleep … I think Ill go to sleep :p Wont be home until late tomorrow night, cast party after final show :D
So I've Had An Up And Down Week
A couple days ago was one of the worst days of my life. I had a massive panic attack fifteen minutes into Phantom that didnt stop until the show ended. I spent most of yesterday brooding about that but then had the best show ever last night. Today I had a good day but I’m feeling kind of depressed now for no good reason … Just figured I’d share. Havnt been personal for a while...
Favourite Tea
And Regina Spektor, calming myself down.
Seriously
I wanted to hate you for such a long time before I actually gave up on you. Our friends convinced me that I was wrong and that you were a good person and I tried so hard to believe them and you turned around and fucked all of us over. I dont understand how you can keep up all these lies. Doesnt it seem like an awful lot of work just so you can keep pretending he loves you? I just wish I could show...
Just Back From 13
I shouldn’t have seen it. I should have realized that I wasnt past what that show meant to me. I sobbed through the whole thing. I got home, I was still shaking and crying. I’ve had two cups of coffee now and have The King Is Dead on. I’m calming now but I hate that show and I’m not sure if Ill ever be able to see past that.
Wish I Could Tell People Things
But I’m bad at expressing myself with the simplest emotions. Its hard to explain to people what they mean to me and when I feel like they dont understand I get mad at myself …
Dont Know What To Do . . .
My best friends have both left for the greatest city on the face of the planet …
gegendiewand:
Failing The Rorschach Test -...
“Well done Canada. We just gave a majority to a party that was in contempt of...”
– Matthew Good (via songforthegirl)
I Do Love Matthew Good
I totally see why people dont but I do. He is so easy to identify with when you feel emotionally unstable. His songs progress in a way fairly similar to my thoughts when I’m having anxiety or feeling down or feeling nothing for that matter. Like I said, I dont expect everyone to love him but I really do.
illmissnewwave:
Strange Days/ Matthew Good.
“Well, they say right when they flood the house and they tear it to shreds that…...”
– Donnie Darko (via twistedhypocrisy)
Let Me Tell You Something About People
People are mostly crap. They like to lie to each other, they like to have power over one another and they love to abuse each other for their personal gain and pleasure. There are exceptions of course. There are people who are entirely selfless, who would give their lives for the betterment of humans everywhere but as sad as it is my life has brought me to a place where I find it impossible to...
Its Really Sinking In Now
I saw a picture of all the people gathering at ground zero. I’m scared now. I wasnt, I was alright. I was happy for the people who felt closure for it, I was annoyed with the people who were celebrating his death and spitting on his religious rights but I wasnt scared. I’m gonna make tea and watch MASH. Hawkeye has always been my inspiration for dealing with fear and pain.
April 2011
87 posts
Today Was So Much Better
All the set changes were fixed or are being fixed. By that I mean I figured out how one of the other male chorus members and I could be on every set change that doesn’t happen behind a closed curtain. We got everything moving smoothly, I kept breathing and overall I just felt fantastic. Except for when I got in the boat at the end and someone had moved it so it was right beside the fog...
Listened To Music, Ate Chocolate
Going to go lay down now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Right now I dont want to see anyone, I’m really scared of going to school tomorrow. I really want that to go away, I dont need this becoming a common thing.
I Dont Even Know What To Think
I had a panic attack when we were running the show today. I was moving the boat across the stage during Down Once More and I stopped breathing and lost feeling in my hands. I ran off stage once I got Phantom and Christine across and splash water all over my face. I was getting ready for the final scene and I started crying and I didnt know why. I ran back and splashed my face with water more. One...
gegendiewand:
Bright End of Nowhere - Matthew...
Well . . . Today Was All I Could Hope For And More
Got up, mom talked to some people about counselling on the phone. They didnt want to speak to me, it makes me uncomfortable, I dont want to go see them if they dont want to talk to me. Went to school, the auditorium was roasting hot, didnt change all day. Massive headache, courtesy of stressface. Wandered to a park near my school for lunch, stayed there until I had to go back for vocals. Headache...
I Keep Thinking Back
Over this entire year and wondering, if I had said something there or if I had done this instead of this would it have been better? Did I fuck it all up? Could I have stopped a couple people from hurting each other? Its not like anything that happened was particularly remarkable, a word here or there could have changed any of it, its stuff that happens all over the world everyday … I wish I...
I Wonder
If people ever stop to think past the first 2 people they’ll hurt. I wonder when people do things that hurt people if they think about EVERYONE that they are about to hurt. It doesn’t just hurt these two people. It hurts these two people and everyone that loves them and wants them to be happy. It hurts people who cant stop you from hurting them who feel an innate urge to protect those...
Feeling Oddly Melancholy
I dont know what it is. Its not a nice melancholy like the one after watching 500 Days of Summer, its weird. I might go out. I could just wander downtown, sit in the park for a while. Ill probably just sit here and listen to music though.
I'm Gonna Go Find Something To Watch On Netflix.
